i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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