i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
