I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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