i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
