I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
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