i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
