1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
