she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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