apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
