I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
