if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
