If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
