I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
