I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
