drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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