wrigley field is MILF paradise
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
