11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
