yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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