Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
