I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
