Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
