How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
