Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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