I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
