She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
