apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
