The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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