My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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