I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
