Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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