just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
