Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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