tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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