is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
