Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
