whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
