my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
