she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
