My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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