would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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