No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
