so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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