are you so shy because you have an std?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
