I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
