So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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