brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
