Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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