You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
me + whiskey = a bad person
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
