I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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