He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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