i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
