if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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