The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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